Hi! Do you love yourself a little Armageddon? Can you not wait for the yearly Independence Day movie marathon on Independence Day thanks to the brilliant marketing skills of the people in the marketing department at TNT?
Are you sitting there going, “Where are my great ‘world’s gonna end’ films?” Yes. Yes you are and I am as well. It’s feels like forever since Bruce Willis or the Fresh Prince saved us from anything remotely disastrous. Hollywood has been focusing way too much, lately, on great films by great filmmakers and way too little on popcorn blockbusters that people are actually entertained by. They tried with Godzilla, again, and again it was less than satisfying. It was okay. Walter White doing his thing. It wasn’t bad. It was fine. I mean, yeah, I liked it. It was alright.
But all we really want is to sit there, having a deep visceral experience, mesmerized for two hours, while one or a few of our great movie stars saves the world. Since that’s not happening, I feel it’s my obligation to give Hollywood a little shove in the right direction. Any one of these could and should be rushed into production, shooting started without a completed script, that’s what the writers are for, it’ll get worked out, and then released next summer. Ten weekends in a row, every one of these opens to rave reviews and huge box offices. These are your next next new classics and the honor is all mine to present them to you, the people who love and work in cinema.
10. THE WORLD COLLAPSES
Because of a structural deficiency in the earth’s mantle, everything becomes a giant sinkhole. You’re at a red light, and then boom, you’re falling into molten lava 25 miles down.
Let’s get Chris Pratt for this one to lead a band of very lightweight, sassy, genius children who can still walk around, slowly, without dropping into the earth’s core.
9. EARTH CLOUD
Due to an abnormal weather pattern, there’s a big fog that encompasses the earth. No one can see, tan, play sports or do anything outdoors that requires vision of more than 2 feet.
Logan Lerman plays the hotshot Stanford scientist who has to crack the case and get the cloud to lift. Margot Robbie plays his pregnant wife who doesn’t want to bring a child into a foggy world.
It’s just too damn windy and you can’t even eat outside on a restaurant patio without the umbrella flying away. Everything just sucks.
I like heavier Jonah Hill for this. If he’s on the skinny pendulum, get me Jack Black. Need bigger people that are more ground anchored.
7. HELP WANTED FROM OUTER SPACE
There’s an alien attack, but they don’t want to kill us. They just want jobs due to the dying economy on their own planet, after years of spending money they simply didn’t have. They’re smarter, stronger and have much better work ethics than us. They can work like 72 hours in a row without a break. Humans are getting killed in job interviews and if something isn’t done, we’re all on funemployment.
Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson team up to show why humans are the better option when filling open positions.
A bacteria or virus kills all vegetation, plants, trees, weeds in the Southern part of America. Without our green friends, there’s no way for Carbon Dioxide to be converted to Oxygen. People can’t breath and there’s an exodus north towards greener pastures. Total shit show. A third of the country, and the bacteria, heading north. Many guns will come into play and a fair share of “You’re not welcome! Get off my land!” showdowns. Scientists have to work, feverishly, to stop the bacteria that will eventually kill all plant life resulting in all of humankind suffocating to death. Eeeesh.
Tom Cruise can hold his breath for 6 minutes. I saw the video. That’s the kind of scientist we need to work in the low Oxygen areas and still be effective.
Due to an electromagnetic sunburst wave, all the glass on earth shatters. There’s rain pouring into people’s sun roofs. Flies are everywhere in your house and office. Computer screens, TV’s, phones, everything’s just ruined.
I like Bruce Willis, in this, playing the greatest glass installer the world has. He and his team of misfit installers are the only hope to get life back to normal and get the flies out of everything. Buzzing you all night, ya can’t sleep. It’s a horrible way to live. People going to work tired. We need you, Bruce. Thank you.
4. THE END OF THE BEGIN
A religious fanatic writes a new bible. It’s really really good. Like the most amazing writing anyone has seen in thousands of years. People are so amazed by the new bible, that when the fanatic says that the first bible will end on December 31st, 2018, people panic. Only people who donate to his gofundme.com/biblicaldisaster
A ragtag, down on his luck, but brilliant atheist, like Sam Jackson or a Seth Rogen, depending on whether you want cursing or comedy, we’ll work that out in the script, makes it his mission to prove that just because you’re a great writer doesn’t mean you know the world is going to end.
3. OH GOD IV: I JUST CAN’T WITH YOU GUYS. I CANNOT.
We simply need a new “Oh God” film. Make him less warm and fuzzy than George Burns. He’s really really annoyed with us and is thinking about pulling the plug. We’ll work the rest out. Just know he’s not happy. A lot of “SMH’s” and “FML’s” as he watches all of our shenanigans.
One word: Louie.
2. THE TREASURE CHEST
A lunar mission discovers that trillions of dollars worth of precious metals or medals are buried all over the moon.
The world’s evil corporations launch missions to mine the moon and are hurling billions of tons of moon rock into the atmosphere. And it’s totally screwing up the tides!!!! No one knows when to go to the beach anymore. There’s low tides when there are supposed to be high tides. Boats are getting scratched up on rocks. The fishing industry is a mess and it’s gotta stop. The metals or medals are important, agreed, but you can’t be screwing up everything here on earth.
I like Tom Cruise as lunar commander Reilly Storm. And he will get the tides normalized.
Some bacteria or virus hits the cow population and every day more are dying. Unless our hero, a world class animal scientist, can stop it, the entire cow population will be gone. Extinct. No more steaks, no more burgers, no more milk, no more anything. IMO, this is the most frightening of all these films. I don’t care about tides, or fire and brimstone or anything else as much as I do a Porterhouse, medium rare. And steak fries.
I believe the only actress who can handle a role of this magnitude would be Margot Robbie and casting any other actress would be taking a huge risk with such a large film and studio heads and development people’s jobs on the line.
So, there you go. You’re welcome, Hollywood! I’m happy I could do my part and can give back to an industry that has brought so many people so much happiness for such a long time.