Hollywood has pretty much been out of ideas since the mid-70’s. They needlessly churn out remakes of movies that no one wants to see in an effort to keep a business, bankrupt of new thoughts and creativity, still rolling in the money. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a portion of Hollywood, the talented people, The Nolans for example, still making great films. I’m talking about the frat guy whose uncle got him a development boy role and he has zero creativity, but he remembers movies he liked. And somehow gets a meeting and somehow gets a “yeah, that’s a great idea…we should make House Party again!!”
Here are the Top Ten Films we don’t need but will be remade. It is a foregone conclusion. Like the Titanic sinking, it’s a mathematical certainty. So, if it’s going to be done, they can at least take our casting recommendations. That’s the LEAST THEY CAN DO!! IF they go with these EXACTLY, some of these films may have a shot at being a half step above horrific.
10. DIRTY DANCING
The classic 80’s coming of age story starring Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey. Yeah, they did some nonsense like Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights or some ridiculousness, but not a remake remake. It’s coming. Oh, I guarantee it’s coming.
Johnny – Channing Tatum
Baby – Shailene Woodley
Perfect Casting. This should be a green light based on this article alone. BUT we don’t want to see this. Leave the classic alone.
09. THE OUTSIDERS
The classic novel made into the classic movie by Francis Ford Coppola with a classic cast. Almost everyone going on to fame and success. Since Hollywood doesn’t have the guts to cast complete unknowns in such a huge remake, here you go.
PonyBoy Curtis – Daniel Radcliffe
Dallas Winston – Miles Teller
Johnny Cade – Logan Lerman
Darrel Curtis – Tom Hardy
Two-Bit – Justin Timberlake
Soda Pop – Zac Efron
Cherry Valence – Margot Robbie
Perfect casting. Daniel Radcliffe has the sensitivity for the role of PonyBoy. And Margot Robbie has the everything to make everyone fall in love. With this casting, this could actually be something.
Hot shot Tom Cruise learning how to bartend, learning about life and learning how to bartend.
Brian Flanagan – Zac Efron
Doug Coughlin – Bryan Cranston
Jordan Mooney – Margot Robbie
Perfect casting. Zac Efron has the looks, cockiness and charisma to play the classic Flanagan character. You get Bryan Cranston as the old sage and who wouldn’t fall in love with Margot Robbie on an island.
07. ST. ELMO’S FIRE
The greatest coming of age story mankind has ever known and the quintessential Brat Pack Film containing one of the best lines in movie history. “I’m not gay and I’m not staying.”
Only a matter of time before “Hey, let’s do St. Elmo’s again! We’ll get a hot young cast!” They did that with About Last Night. ☹
Billy Hixx – Max Thieriot
Jules – Amber Heard
Alec Newbury – Josh Hutcherson
Leslie Hunter – Taylor Swift
Kevin Dolenz – Freddie Highmore
Kirby Kaeger – Rupert Grint
Wendy Beamish – Amy Schumer
Max is a star. You heard it here first. He can carry this film as the rapscallion Billy Hixx. The rest of the cast is filled out by some of our best young stars. This is a star vehicle. Not an indie drama. Damn right we gonna get us some Tay Tay up in there. And Amy Schumer will be a great Wendy. And she looks like Wendy. Don’t discount physical appearance when casting. It’s very important. Anyway. Don’t make this even though we have provided you with perfect casting.
06. LESS THAN ZERO
The drug fueled masterwork of Robert Downey Jr, before he got famous for a drug fueled life.
Clay – Eddie Redmayne
Blair – Margot Robbie
Julian – Shia LaBeouf… Let him go full insane on this one.
Rip – Dave Franco… I think he’d play a great very bad person.
Ya kidding me? Perfect casting! This one they should make. If they cast it like this.
05. SIXTEEN CANDLES
A John Hughes masterpiece with Molly Ringwald in the starting role as Samantha. The girl whose family forgot her birthday. ☹
Samantha Baker – Chloe Moretz
Jake Ryan – Michael Schoeffling… There is and there always will be ONE Jake Ryan.
Long Duk Dong – Gedde Watanabe… There is and there always will be ONE Long Duk Dong.
Geek – Cameron Boyce
Perfect casting. Especially with Michael and Gedde reprising their roles. Don’t make this though. We don’t need it. Yes, we’re giving you brilliant casting, but no, don’t do it!
04. RISKY BUSINESS
The movie that launched a new star and a new “religion.” Tom Cruise in his “sometimes you gotta say what the fuck” star making role. Pure classic 80’s.
Joel Goodson – Logan Lerman
Lana – Margot Robbie
Guido – Michael Imperioli
Perfect casting. Margot could make a good high school boy, who never took a chance turn his house into a brothel. I’m old and if Margot wanted me to turn my house into a brothel, I’m turning my house into a brothel. We don’t need this remake though. Don’t. The one we have is perfect!
03. THE BREAKFAST CLUB
Rule # 1, don’t remake The Breakfast Club. Rule #2, don’t remake The Breakfast Club. Rule # 3, if you MUST remake The Breakfast Club, refer to rules #1&2. If you disobey all the rules, here…you’re welcome.
Andrew Clark – Josh Hutcherson
Richard Vernon – Bryan Cranston.
Brian Johnson – Nat Wolff
John Bender – Rory Culkin
Claire – Margot Robbie
Allison – Shailene Woodley
Tremendous casting of a movie that should be left alone! Please! We beg you!! But who wouldn’t love to see Walter White say “While you’re in detention, you tread lightly.”
02. WEIRD SCIENCE
The classic coming of age, bras on your head, build your own real woman through a computer, suspend all your disbelief teenage fantasy. They built their own woman. A very hot woman. ‘Nuff said for teenage boys.
Wyatt – Chris Mintz
Gary – Haley Joel Osmont
Lisa – Margot Robbie
Chet – Chris Hemsworth
Mintz has the comedic chops. Just want to help Haley Joel out. I’m sure he’ll be great. He’s an academy award nominee. If you designed a women in a lab today, it would be Margot Robbie. I like it. Let’s get Margot in that shower scene. But don’t make this film. The one we have is perfect!
01. SPIES LIKE US
This one WE WANT TO SEE. Vince and Owen knocking this classic remake out of the park. The script writes itself. Or I can write it. Let me know, someone. Vince and Owen never let us down. If you haven’t watched The Internship 10 times, you are doing yourself a disservice.
Emmett Fitz-Hume – Vince Vaughn
Austin Millbarge – Owen Wilson
Love interest for Vince – Margot Robbie
I’m greenlighting this one. Done. We begin pre-production in November.
I left one move out. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Because I don’t even want to joke around about anyone trying to play that iconic role. If they try to remake this, we storm the gates… in a red Ferrari.